Where To Turn When You Don't Have Money To Burn on Your Divorce?

The process of divorce is not only one of the most difficult, emotionally draining, gut wrenching experiences that one can go through, but also one of the most expensive. Unlike other devastating life circumstances, such as car accidents and medical emergencies, where the financial expenses associated with these misfortunes are often covered by insurance, that is not the case when someone is involved in a divorce. Divorce retainers, court fees and subsequent payments for legal and expert fees are all extremely costly "out-of-pocket" expenses paid by the parties immersed in the process.

I have often said within the context of my divorce practice that "there is no good money paid in a divorce." Very few people would think it prudent, enjoyable or financially rewarding to spend huge amounts of money on divorce related fees and expenses simply to end a marriage. While it may be wise and necessary to do so, it still is costly and often beyond the financial resources of the warring spouses. It has been estimated that Americans spend more than $11 Billion dollars a year on the legal industry related to divorce.

While there is "no good money" spent on a divorce, often "the most valuable money" is that spent on a good consultation with an ethical and experienced divorce attorney. Most divorce lawyers charge for their consultations, typically $500, which last for approximately one hour. A good consultation, one based in reality and achievable results, usually gets the potential client well grounded. A bad consultation, one motivated by the lawyer's financial self-interest or desire to be retained, will have the clients chasing illusory goals and paying unnecessary legal fees to unscrupulous attorneys.

Even though a "good consultation" is extremely valuable it has its limits. It has been my experience that the potential client "hears" or "comprehends" only half of what is said by the attorney in the consultation. Moreover, the consultation only lasts for approximately one hour, thereby limiting the issues that can be covered.

What if there was a resource that offers not simply an hour's worth of information but 40 years of invaluable divorce experience for a fraction of the price of a consultation?

My recently released book, entitled "An Elephant Doesn't Marry A Giraffe - Everything I Learned As A Divorce Attorney", is such a resource. Three versions of the book, (Hardcopy, Paperback and Ebook), can be found in the Amazon Book Store. To select your favorite version from Amazon you can use this link. You can also find the Ebook and Paperback versions on the Barnes and Noble site, using this Barnes and Noble link as well as Apple Ebooks and Google Ebooks from this link.

In the short time since its release, it has garnered effusive, unanimous, five-star reviews from those people contemplating divorce or separation, those in the midst of or coming out of one, divorce attorneys, divorce coaches, mental health professionals, mediators, counsellors and former clients. Here are just few of the comments by verified purchasers:

"An Elephant Doesn't Marry A Giraffe, his first book, is nothing less than a work of art. It is filled to the brim with the kind of insights that can only be learned through empathy and lived experiences.... It's equal parts heartbreak and hilarity - with lessons to be learned from both - for those who have loved and lost (and those who are still in love and want to stay there)."

"Anyone, and I mean anyone, contemplating a divorce should read this wonderful, well-written book before speaking to a lawyer. It is filled with important advice about what is ahead; how to choose a lawyer, how to manage your emotional reactivity, how to avoid wasting money, and how to move on when it is over."

"From what to expect during the initial consultation, to the sobering prospect of legal costs – from the strategic benefits of settlement, to the realization that trial ultimately takes no prisoners –this book is a must read for anyone facing that supreme out of body experience called divorce."

"Truly a must-read for anyone who is/has/may be or knows someone who is going through one of life's biggest challenges.....Hits the sweet spot between practical application and entertainment."

"The author has offered an awesome read on a very tough subject. It was done with clear explanations and great humor! Everyone thinking of marriage should be sure to read this book before saying "I DO".

"As a psychologist who has treated many divorcing couples and read many books on the topic, Ron Bavero's caught my attention with its unusual title -- An Elephant Doesn't Marry a Giraffe....Bavero shares a huge fund of knowledge and experience about divorce in this very well written book. I'd recommend it for anyone thinking of divorce, immersed in the process and for those involved in working with couples."

"This book is an excellent resource for any person going through a divorce or contemplating a divorce....Follow the road-map and you will achieve your goals."

To see all of the reviews you can click on this link or this one.

In the final analysis, this book on divorce will not only better prepare you for the emotional and difficult road ahead but also save you tens of thousands of dollars.

THERE'S NO "WINNING YOUR DIVORCE CASE" - YOU JUST SURVIVE IT !!!

It is not unusual for prospective clients to come to a divorce consultation with certain fixed expectations and goals. Frequently, these goals and expectations have been shaped by advice from previously consulted divorce attorneys; research done on the internet, or its latest reiteration advice from an Ai Chatbot; or the "ultimate" and most "frequently utilized" source of divorce advice - the war stories and tales from your divorced friends, neighbors, bartenders, hairdressers or relatives about their own cases.

Each of the above categories has its own flaws, weaknesses and fallacies. Previously consulted divorce attorneys may have tailored their advice and explanations based upon what the prospective client wanted to hear or their own individual goal of being retained by that potential client. The internet and Ai Chatbots are a veritable roulette wheel of advice, both bad and good. And the cautionary tales from every Tom, Dick, Harry, Alice and Mary about their divorce cases, based upon a host of variables, including the particular facts of their cases, the attorneys and the judges involved in their matters and the individual foibles of these parties, are hardly a reliable template.

So where should the prospective client start from? I believe it starts with the fundamental notion that there is no such thing as "winning your divorce case". After all, what's winning? I got one more dollar than you did, or I ended up with more square footage or more time with the children than you got? The reality is that you can't win your divorce case. You can only survive it. The best you can expect from a divorce case is to be able to get past it with your sanity, integrity, personhood, financial independence and important relationships intact. That should be your primary goal, around which everything else should be assessed - including the attorney you hire, your settlement positions and how you move on with your life after the divorce case is over.

One of the best resources for learning how to "survive your divorce" is to start with my recently published book, "An Elephant Doesn't Marry A Giraffe - Everything I Learned As A Divorce Attorney." It is filled with invaluable information, derived from actual true cases, which illustrate everything you need to know. The near unanimous five-star reviews of the book from verified purchasers have been effusive and overwhelming. Three versions of the book, (Hardcopy, Paperback and Ebook), can be found in the Amazon Book Store. To view the books and select your favorite version from Amazon you can use this link. You can also find the Ebook and Paperback versions on the Barnes and Noble site, using this Barnes and Noble link as well as Apple Ebooks and Draft2Digital from this link.

Ultimately, insuring that your ex-spouse rots in hell for all eternity is neither achievable nor cost effective. Instead, focus on those things that will allow you to move forward in a healthy and financially secure manner at the conclusion of your divorce.

IF YOU CAN'T BE WITH THE ONE YOU LOVE, LOVE THE ONE YOUR'E WITH

Some time ago Stephen Stills offered his dating advice that if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with. But does this concept apply to marriage as well? It would appear that this theory has more validity than you might think.

Recently a young woman, Taylor Herd, blew up the internet by posting a video on Tik Tok which posited the controversial question do most men marry the woman in front of them, when they decide to wed, rather than their greatest love or soulmate? According to this influencer marriage is more a matter of being in the right place at the right time than it is a matter of passion, fire and endless love.

Herd suggested that when a man is financially and emotionally ready to settle down he takes an entirely different approach to dating. No longer is he searching for the love of his life. Rather he is looking for someone who will take care of him and who checks off all the boxes in terms of having or not having children, social status, education, interests, religion and getting along with his family and friends.

Indeed, Herd's theory finds support in scientific literature. According to Psychology Today, "Eighty-one percent of married men surveyed agreed with the statement that they decided to get married because it was the 'right time' in their life to settle down". And when is that time? The median age for men to first marry is now 27, adding another year or two for college-educated men. The scientific journal went on to note that most men want to see marriage as a decision they make themselves when it fits their timeline. That is why pressuring a partner into a commitment does not work out well. "Threats and undue pressure are not the best routes to I do".

And what about women? Do they also settle for "Mr. Right Now" instead of Mr. Right? There seems to be support for this notion as well. According to Kim Kardashian she married Kris Humphries, a marriage that ended in record time, because she panicked about turning thirty and settled for Mr. Right Now. Said Kim, "I just thought, ‘Holy s***, I’m 30 years old, I better get this together. I better get married...I think a lot of girls do go through that where they freak out thinking they’re getting old and have to figure it out, all their friends are having kids. It was more of that situation.” Similarly, some time ago Lori Gottlieb wrote a New York Times best seller entitled "Marry Him! The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough" a book which posited the notion "that stability and dependability outrank fireworks and witty banter."

Of course, such dry, pragmatic, mundane reasons to marry fly in the face of all of our romantic love stories, movies and plays. I mean Jack didn't simply fall in love with Rose because they were both passengers on the Titanic at the same time. There were hundreds of other people on that boat including her fiance'. And nowhere in Shakespeare's epic play did Romeo say to Juliet "hey I have dated a lot of women but you're okay and you're here now. No, Herd's Tik Tok video, which garnered over three million views, elicited strong opinions both agreeing and disagreeing with the premise that marriage is more about timing than true love.

Some people suggested that the reason people are ready for marriage is not a function of maturity or timing but because they found the right person, comparing it to the "chicken or the egg" debate. Others were much more strident in their opinions. One said: “Disagree completely. I waited until I found a partner worth building a life with.” Another added: "I will never marry a woman that I don’t know is the one...I won’t even date a woman if my heart is with another. Conversely, one woman shared that she personally experienced this phenomenon. "I’ve heard it and seen it. Ex literally married the next girl he dated after I ended things. I asked why and he said, he’s going to be 30 soon.”

As for me I find myself in the camp of those that believe that people should marry not settle. Recently, my mother-in-law and father-in law celebrated their 75th Wedding Anniversary. They were intensely, deeply in love with each other each day of their lives, so much so that when my mother-in-law passed away at Thanksgiving, he joined her a mere 5 days later. Never once did I hear them say or suggest that they settled for a love that was okay but not great. For them it was always great.

I would love to hear from all my readers about this interesting and polarizing question. Please feel free to submit your thoughts and comments in the "contact" section of this website.

And stay tuned for the launch of my book "An Elephant Doesn't Marry A Giraffe- Everything I Learned As A Divorce Attorney" which will be out shortly.